Today’s training was a pure struggle. No, it wasn’t really a tough training. Only 30 minutes intervals between a 15 min warm-up and a 15 min cool-down. A training session that I have already done in the past. Yesterday I did bike for 45 min and directly after it I had a 50 min swim session. This is triathlon training. My body is reacting well, not too much soreness. No physical tiredness. But mentally I am done. At least it is the impression that I have. Actually I do know that I am not done. I am at the moment making a Masters in Sports Psychology and Sports Management so I have quite a lot of knowledge about mental toughness and mental strength. But sometimes (now actually) I am struggling to turn these theoretical concepts into reality.
Every interval was like being in the middle of a fight between an angel and a devil, one telling “go, run fast and push yourself” and the other one shouting “stop, sit and just rest, don’t you see that at the end it won’t change anything if you run fast or slow”. Actually this wasn’t about running. No this inner war wasn’t related to my today’s training but to the mood I have been in for 5 or 6 days.
I am someone who follows her dream, who made everything to reach them. But sometimes it doesn’t work. You put all your energy and good intention but it still don’t happen. It has been the first time for a very long time that life is challenging me. But not in a nice way, I mean like “oh I give you a small homework, do it and I’ll give you a good note.” This time (and all that in only 5 or 6 days), it is not a homework, it feels like a huge exam. And this exam doesn’t seem fair actually. Because it looks like the dices are loaded. I mean projects and situations totally independent to each others do turn in the wrong way, although they start in a positive way.
So today while running, for the first time since years, I was about to stop my training. Yes, too much. I am done. This is what I said to myself. And this sentence came then to my mind “Cora, stop being strong, just stop. Stop. Sit. Cry. Tomorrow, don’t train. The day after, don’t train. This week-end don’t join the races you were planning to join.” But you know what? I didn’t stop my training. I couldn’t. Because I understood that if I would have stopped it I would have felt worst. So I just decreased a bit the speed of my intervals. And I made the agreement with myself that I would not feel guilty if my last intervals would not be as fast as they should have been.
I finished my training, went home, had a late breakfast and some chocolate with coffee. Too much chocolate and too much coffee. No, I am not feeling well. I have so many questions marks in my mind. I really do feel that something is stuck somewhere. In the universe. But I try to stay pragmatic. And one more time I try to find what life wants to teach me. I am really very close to burst into tears. Close to accept that what I have been hoping so much for respectively 20, 15 and 10 days won’t happen. I am using respectively because even if the situations are not linked to each other, the pattern is the same. Jobs and projects, human relationships. In the first minutes they were burning with enthusiasm, I did stay very careful not to burn myself and didn’t go to close to the fire, but at the moment I tried to make a step closer to the fire to put some wood into it, I noticed that the flame was very tiny. No totally extinguished but about to.
I don’t have any answer here and now. I don’t know if the flame will die or not. I first felt guilty. I questioned myself and did some self-analysis. I felt unsuccessful and faulty. I called and messaged some friends. They gave me some energy. Some advice. Some food for thoughts.
I am trying not to feel guilty. Because there are no reasons for it. I also try to accept that it can happen to be in low mood. We don’t always have to smile and to be strong. So let’s the things slide. Let’s live with the flow. And not give up because “Magic happens when you don’t give up, even though you want to. The universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart.”-J.M.Storm.